Saturday, January 31, 2009

Sham Wow!

You know who really pisses me off, the Sham Wow guy, cuz he's a god damn liar. I don't need a sham wow for any purpose what so ever. He's right about one thing though. I do say "wow" every time I see that commercial. Except its not like, "Wow I really need to get me one of them sham wow things." It's more like "Wow, I really need to break that guy's legs in six different places." Or, I can stab him in the chest a few times and then we can see whether the Sham Wow also takes out blood stains. Either way.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Conspiracy Theory

I don't know if you all know, but the number one most watched video on youtube is actually Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend, which I happen to think is an extremely poor choice of songs even on Avril Lavigne standards.
What the hell is going on these days? It just doesn't make any sense. It gets another million views every week. They don't even play this shit on the radio anymore, cuz it wasn't even a popular song. There's gotta be some kind of twelve year old girl militia out there putting guns to people's heads if they don't watch this thing, cuz I can't seem to come up with anything else. I'll tell you this though, I already have my suitcases packed and when those crazy bitches come into my town, I'm buying the cheapest student discounted bus fare I can afford and hopping on the first bus outta here.
If you're brave enough to stare this evil in the eye directly than here's the video for you. I think once we all understand what we're up against we can pool all of our ideas together and attack this this head on.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ25-glGRzI

I would put some sunglasses on cuz watching this thing is like staring directly at the sun.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

So Gullible

I actually convinced my friend to read my blog by telling him I mentioned him in it. He read the title "Chatty Cashiers" and asked me if it was a true story and I said "yes." Knowing he wasn't really part of this true story he continued to read it until the very end. When he was done he turns toward me and says, "You're such a liar, I'm not in it!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Chatty Cashiers

So I was getting my start of the semester shopping done at Wegman's, and I decided that no condiment kicks off the semester quite like a huge 46 ounce bottle of ketchup. So while standing there at the cash register, minding my own business and waiting to pay for my stuff, the cashier, who was probably in his mid to low 20's, decides hes gonna strike up a 4 and a half minute conversation about my gigantic ketchup bottle.

As if it wasn't bad enough that 3/4 of my diet throughout college has consisted of foods that I eat with ketchup, now i gotta listen to this guy crack bad jokes about my beloved bottle of tomato and chemicals which, despite its humongo size, fits ever so snuggly on my cheaply made refrigerator door. "Thats quite a bottle of ketchup you got there!" he tells me.

After his not so clever quip, he decides hes gonna move onto hot sauce, another one of my favorite condiments. He recounted his glorious days when he made 250 bucks by betting his friends that he could chug an entire bottle.

His proud moment of glory reminded me of a momentous occasion of my own. In sophomore year my friends and I bet a kid 5 whole dollars that he couldn't chug a bottle of hot sauce. But he went ahead and chugged that shit like it was a freshly popped bottle of crystaal. Five glorious minutes later he puked a mixture of hot sauce, cheap liqour, and keystone light, right into the very garbage can we so smoothly set aside in the hopes that it would come to this.

I'm guessing the cashier chose to leave out that part of his story.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pigeons aren't as shy as you might have thought

"Brooklyn, NY" - The place where I and about 5 trillion of my closest pigeon friends call home.

"Friends" -people who aren't shy about gettin their "2 oclock in the afternoon freak on" by the Q train.

Thats right - I saw 2 pigeons getting it on outside the Q train. The most squeemish of eyes wouldv'e turned away, but instead I caught one obese pigeon (yep. america's pigeons have followed suit) place his legs on an even more obese pigeon's wings and quickly begin to thrust at her from behind. The whole thing lasted 3 seconds and then they just went their separate ways.

Poor guy must have a serious case premature ejaculation.