Something to Ponder

Why is it that when actors brush their teeth in movies, they never use toothpaste? They try so hard to make things believable yet they blatantly avoid using toothpaste, one of the most natural and essential aspects of people's daily routine.

The Profound Facebook Status

I noticed that the profound facebook status has gotten extremely popular. Since we as Americans are unable to portray our mind blowing genius through stimulating conversation, we have naturally resorted to sporadically spreading tidbits of it through the plethora of possibilities offered by social networking.

Recent examples:

"no one gets to live life backwards...it's best to look ahead b/c that's where the future lies"

"If one takes confidence in everyone elses opinion, then how will one ever be able to take confidence in their own.

However profound these statements may sound, the fact that I know these people as well as the motivation behind their status completely negates the profoundness of their entire statement.

To the first statement I reply:
"If you weren't such a dumb bitch that falls in love and sleeps with every guy that says hi to you on the bus, then maybe you wouldn't desire to live life backwards as much!"

To the second I say:
"Stop being such a fuckin hippie douchebag that tries to sound profound with everything you say. If your acoustic guitar could be any tool it would be you."

Going Bald

My hairline has been receding at the same pace as the US economy. These bailouts better work.

Bad Clothing Choices

I went to a friends house party on saturday night and there was an odd band playing. An odd band usually goes along with an odd crowd, but this one was the king of them all. The oddness started and ended with the guy wearing skin tight pink jeans and a black disco-ball shirt. To add to that he had one side of his head buzzed and from the top of that side he had a comb over to the other side.
I guess all I can say was that I just wish that I was there when he saw the skin tight pink jeans and the black disco-ball shirt and said to himself, "I need to buy these clothes." Then I would kick him in the sack, and this entire crisis would have been averted.

The Greatest Feeling Ever

Roasting the class today was quite possibly one of the best moments ever. There are only so few opportunities in your life where you can really make fun of people to their face and get away with it. If anyone was mad that I left them out, feel free to contact me and I will try my best to make fun of you in the future.

Foods and Moods

For the past two mornings I've succeeded in making the most perfect cheese omelets that I have ever made and I think that these events have had a profound impact on my day as a whole. The eggs were cooked just right. The cheese melted just right. One side of the omelet folded perfectly over the other making a perfectly rounded semi-circle. They were so perfect I had to take pictures of them on my phone and send them to people. I'm all smiles.
My friend texted me back saying, "Relax man, their just eggs!"
Some people just don't get it. I bet you he's just jealous cuz he has to scramble his eggs. Poor guy.

Chatty Cashier Part II/ Tow Truck Driver Edition

My car battery died and I needed a boost. So the tow truck comes and the guy works his magic for 25 seconds and everything is back up and running. He gets into his truck, begins to drive away and I'm thinking to myself that this was the fastest service job ever. No wasted time, straight up business and I couldn't have been happier. Except after driving two feet, he stops his truck, rolls down his window and proceeds to start a conversation with me.
He tells me, "Hey I noticed you were from Brooklyn, how far do you live from Coney Island?"
He proceeds to ask me whether I've ever been to Manhattan, and whether I've ever eaten at various restaurants in the city.
I was so caught off guard that I was incoherent as I answered his meaningless questions. What compels people to do this? Why must everything be connected to this meaningless chit chat? Please...Somebody just make it stop.

Facebook

They changed Facebook again, and once again the uproar has begun. By tomorrow I'll be asked to join 18 groups, sign 12 petitions for, and attend 6 rallies at the Barnes and Nobles for Facebook to change it back. Naturally I will reject all of them and go about my daily routine while making fun of the protesters.

U2 Songs Describing My Inability to Please a Woman

With or Without You

Bad

Stuck in a moment you can’t get out of

Numb

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Sunday Bloody Sunday

A Debate For the Ages

Radio City Music Hall hosted a debate between Bill Maher and Ann Coulter last night and I'm extremely sad that I missed it. Not because I agree with either of them, or because I believe it would would have been a stimulating debate, but rather the opposite. They both happen to be some of the dumbest, most obnoxious people to ever be broadcast on television.
Bill Maher's HBO series "Real Time with Bill Maher" might as well be called "Dead Air with Bill Maher" or "I'm Bill Maher, Watch Me Talk". Any segment with Ann Coulter might as well be named,"I'm the only semi-attractive, politically oriented woman that has something controversial to say, so you should probably make me famous".
By not attending this debate, I've missed out the opportunity to take them both out at one shot. I really need to start planning out my schedules better.

The Ultimate Sham Wow Parody

Tyler Perry Movies That Didn't Suck

-In honor of "Madea Goes to Jail" making over 75 million at the box office I'd like to present my list of Tyler Perry Movies That Didn't Suck.
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Class Time

Throughout my time here I've seem some people get away with doing things during class that are pretty shocking. And I'm not talking about going on facebook or playing poker. I'm talking about the things that really take balls, which is funny because all of these were done by women.

4. Crocheting and entire sweater (25 person class)
3. Listening to your Ipod and humming along to Beyonce as you sit in the front row of the lecture hall directly in front of the teacher. (200 person lecture)
2. Rolling cigarettes - very easily confused with rolling j's. I would think it would cause some reaction(25 person class***)
1. Carving a woman's face into a slab of wood, lifting the wood into the air and then blowing off the shavings. (25 person class)

***This was in your class Vaughan, let me know if you noticed.

Go Binghamton!

A New York Times article reads

"The Real High-Tech Immigrant Problem: They're Leaving"

"Bright, ambitious immigrants with high-tech skills are leaving the United States and returning home, especially to India and China, according to a new study."

The author obviously did not research Binghamton University before writing this article.