Blackberry pins

Everyone likes to post their new pin as their facebook status when they get a blackberry.

e.g. pin: 24b0d281 (this pin is real, i just copied and pasted it from someone's status)

I have a pin also

pin: 347-387-1669

Feel free to call me on my fuckin' phone!

The Facebook Name

First Name + (insert fake last name so employers can't find you)

You spin my head right round

If you haven't yet realized FLO RIDA is simply FLORIDA split into 2 fake words. Only the best and brightest reside at the top of the rap game.

List of things that aren't funny

1. My job offer for next year calling me up to tell me that I won't be starting until August of 2010 with a salary cut.
2. Looking for a new job
3. Realizing how fucked I am
4. Thinking this is all a dream only to realize over and over again that this is in fact reality

Sham-wow II

Apparently Sham-wow Vince was arrested for beating a hooker. The picture is worth a thousand sham-WOWS.

The Pipe Bomb

I got caught a glimpse of yesterday's Pipe Bomb today and lo and behold, yet another member of our beloved class, Clutch, has shown that he is in no way embarrassed to take his shirt off for Binghamton University. Oddly enough, he wouldn't take off his sunglasses.

Asher Roth

Jewish white college student, turned Jewish white rapper rapping about being a college student. Up is the only direction I'm seeing!

Something to Ponder

Why is it that when actors brush their teeth in movies, they never use toothpaste? They try so hard to make things believable yet they blatantly avoid using toothpaste, one of the most natural and essential aspects of people's daily routine.

The Profound Facebook Status

I noticed that the profound facebook status has gotten extremely popular. Since we as Americans are unable to portray our mind blowing genius through stimulating conversation, we have naturally resorted to sporadically spreading tidbits of it through the plethora of possibilities offered by social networking.

Recent examples:

"no one gets to live life backwards...it's best to look ahead b/c that's where the future lies"

"If one takes confidence in everyone elses opinion, then how will one ever be able to take confidence in their own.

However profound these statements may sound, the fact that I know these people as well as the motivation behind their status completely negates the profoundness of their entire statement.

To the first statement I reply:
"If you weren't such a dumb bitch that falls in love and sleeps with every guy that says hi to you on the bus, then maybe you wouldn't desire to live life backwards as much!"

To the second I say:
"Stop being such a fuckin hippie douchebag that tries to sound profound with everything you say. If your acoustic guitar could be any tool it would be you."

Going Bald

My hairline has been receding at the same pace as the US economy. These bailouts better work.

Bad Clothing Choices

I went to a friends house party on saturday night and there was an odd band playing. An odd band usually goes along with an odd crowd, but this one was the king of them all. The oddness started and ended with the guy wearing skin tight pink jeans and a black disco-ball shirt. To add to that he had one side of his head buzzed and from the top of that side he had a comb over to the other side.
I guess all I can say was that I just wish that I was there when he saw the skin tight pink jeans and the black disco-ball shirt and said to himself, "I need to buy these clothes." Then I would kick him in the sack, and this entire crisis would have been averted.

The Greatest Feeling Ever

Roasting the class today was quite possibly one of the best moments ever. There are only so few opportunities in your life where you can really make fun of people to their face and get away with it. If anyone was mad that I left them out, feel free to contact me and I will try my best to make fun of you in the future.

Foods and Moods

For the past two mornings I've succeeded in making the most perfect cheese omelets that I have ever made and I think that these events have had a profound impact on my day as a whole. The eggs were cooked just right. The cheese melted just right. One side of the omelet folded perfectly over the other making a perfectly rounded semi-circle. They were so perfect I had to take pictures of them on my phone and send them to people. I'm all smiles.
My friend texted me back saying, "Relax man, their just eggs!"
Some people just don't get it. I bet you he's just jealous cuz he has to scramble his eggs. Poor guy.

Chatty Cashier Part II/ Tow Truck Driver Edition

My car battery died and I needed a boost. So the tow truck comes and the guy works his magic for 25 seconds and everything is back up and running. He gets into his truck, begins to drive away and I'm thinking to myself that this was the fastest service job ever. No wasted time, straight up business and I couldn't have been happier. Except after driving two feet, he stops his truck, rolls down his window and proceeds to start a conversation with me.
He tells me, "Hey I noticed you were from Brooklyn, how far do you live from Coney Island?"
He proceeds to ask me whether I've ever been to Manhattan, and whether I've ever eaten at various restaurants in the city.
I was so caught off guard that I was incoherent as I answered his meaningless questions. What compels people to do this? Why must everything be connected to this meaningless chit chat? Please...Somebody just make it stop.

Facebook

They changed Facebook again, and once again the uproar has begun. By tomorrow I'll be asked to join 18 groups, sign 12 petitions for, and attend 6 rallies at the Barnes and Nobles for Facebook to change it back. Naturally I will reject all of them and go about my daily routine while making fun of the protesters.

U2 Songs Describing My Inability to Please a Woman

With or Without You

Bad

Stuck in a moment you can’t get out of

Numb

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Sunday Bloody Sunday

A Debate For the Ages

Radio City Music Hall hosted a debate between Bill Maher and Ann Coulter last night and I'm extremely sad that I missed it. Not because I agree with either of them, or because I believe it would would have been a stimulating debate, but rather the opposite. They both happen to be some of the dumbest, most obnoxious people to ever be broadcast on television.
Bill Maher's HBO series "Real Time with Bill Maher" might as well be called "Dead Air with Bill Maher" or "I'm Bill Maher, Watch Me Talk". Any segment with Ann Coulter might as well be named,"I'm the only semi-attractive, politically oriented woman that has something controversial to say, so you should probably make me famous".
By not attending this debate, I've missed out the opportunity to take them both out at one shot. I really need to start planning out my schedules better.

The Ultimate Sham Wow Parody

Tyler Perry Movies That Didn't Suck

-In honor of "Madea Goes to Jail" making over 75 million at the box office I'd like to present my list of Tyler Perry Movies That Didn't Suck.
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Class Time

Throughout my time here I've seem some people get away with doing things during class that are pretty shocking. And I'm not talking about going on facebook or playing poker. I'm talking about the things that really take balls, which is funny because all of these were done by women.

4. Crocheting and entire sweater (25 person class)
3. Listening to your Ipod and humming along to Beyonce as you sit in the front row of the lecture hall directly in front of the teacher. (200 person lecture)
2. Rolling cigarettes - very easily confused with rolling j's. I would think it would cause some reaction(25 person class***)
1. Carving a woman's face into a slab of wood, lifting the wood into the air and then blowing off the shavings. (25 person class)

***This was in your class Vaughan, let me know if you noticed.

Go Binghamton!

A New York Times article reads

"The Real High-Tech Immigrant Problem: They're Leaving"

"Bright, ambitious immigrants with high-tech skills are leaving the United States and returning home, especially to India and China, according to a new study."

The author obviously did not research Binghamton University before writing this article.

Best friends

A guy's best friend is someone who he has probably known since grade school. Someone who has been there for him. Helped him out through tough times. Laughed with him when no no one else thought he was funny, and pulled a lot of stupid shit together.

Now I'm gonna shed some knowledge on you.

What I learned recently is that a girl's best friend is simply just a measure of proximity. If you are friends with girl and you happen to be the closest person to her, you are her best friend at the moment.

So if you happen to be a guy in that situation, you need to capitalize on that opportunity because as soon as she moves into the next room, your chances are shot.

Obesity

And we wonder why Americans are morbidly obese.

Student Association

I joined a certain SA government group to build my resume and I can honestly say that it blows. My entire group, aside from one other person looking to build his resume, takes the shit way too seriously. Nobody gives a damn about SA bylaws, and all the other shit they argue about for the sake of arguing. These are the people that make Binghamton students apathetic about student government.
So me and my new best friend developed our new routine. We go to our regularly scheduled meetings. We laugh amongst ourselves as other people talk, and on the way back home we laugh out loud. Its glorious!

The Bus

The greyhound and shortline buses are truly the lowest form of transportation. I took a greyhound bus home this weekend and the whole thing was just one big Tyler Perry movie.
It starts with the greyhound worker who obviously has no more than 6 teeth.
It then moves on to the 3 old ladies trying to find their way to a place that they don't know by asking the 6 toothed cashier whether each bus that rolled in to the stop is their bus.
The last people to get on the bus are obviously a large black woman with 4 kids. From the moment the bus left the stop until it made its predetermined stop 20 minutes later at the burger king, everyone on the bus had to hear her scream things like, "Get your filthy hands off my chicken." , "I'll get you ya own damn nuggets when we get to Burger King." , "God damn kids."
When we arrive at the Burger King, the black bus driver actually pulled her over to the side and says, "Sista, you need to shut your damn mouth, this is a bus not a movie theater." Once we started rolling again, I thankfully managed to pass out. I guess I'll never know what crazy shenanigans happened from then on.

Taxes

I just filed my tax return papers and I feel violated. It seriously feels like the government stuck their hands in my pocket, fondled my balls a little bit, and then stole a whole bunch of money from me while I wasn't paying attention.

Landlords

I hate my landlord with a passion. She is this 70 year old woman who looks harmless but she's on a massive power trip and has a heart of stone. Every time we go to her to tell her something is wrong with the apartment (i.e. 3 times a week) she just blows us off by telling us that we are doing things in our apartment that violate our contract.
We had this popping noise emanating from beneath our carpet. She decided she would let it stay there for an extra 8 weeks because we have an extra mini fridge in our apartment. The logic is just sound.
The other day I caught myself in an embarrasing moment when I said that "I want to do terrible things to that woman!" I immediately realized that what I said could mean exactly what I wanted it to mean as well as the exact opposite. Of course, everyone around me chose to believe that I want to bang our landlord.

Shower Mishap

A nicely sized bottle of shampoo fell on my pinky toe while I was taking a shower, causing me to scream like a little bitch and bleed a little. This undoubtedly led to every last one of my friends calling me a little bitch as I exited the shower.
What I learned from this incident is that no matter how much blood I would have lost in that situation, my friends would not think twice about the opportunity to hold this one against me.
Now I completely agree with them. If I was in their situation I would obviously do the same thing. However, my pinky toe still hurts like a bitch!

Gault Toyota and Chevrolet

I think I'm gonna report Connie Gault to PETA for abusing her dog. Rocky Gault has been used as a spokesperson against his will, and he receives less than fair wages. Dogs should not be forced to endorse cars that are illegal for them to drive. Thats just cruel.

Chris Brown and Rihanna

The whole story of Chris Brown putting the smackdown on Rihanna is something I find extremely hilarious. Now, the reason for it was supposedly because she gave him herpes. And I'm pretty sure that when they say herpes they don't mean a couple of cold sores. But anyway the following is the funniest blog post I have ever seen with regards to the story.

"yo bits, dis sit is wakky patakky, nadama sayin? dat bits proly diserrd it, shebe stoopy poopy, giben my mane kris broun a esteedee an sit...watev bits, ida bete her 2 a mozafukn pullpp! KRIS BREZEY FO PREZADINT, U DHIG!?"

Transliterated back into real english this turns into (quoted words could not be translated):
Yo bitch, this shit is "wacky patakky," know what I'm saying? That bitch probably deserved it, she be "stoopy poopy," giving my man Chris Brown an STD and shit... whatever bitch, I would have beat her to a mother fucking pulp! CHRIS BREEZY FOR PRESIDENT, DO YOU DIG!?

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Yearly Physical Exam

There's no weirder feeling for a guy than waiting for the doctor with your pants off. The following are some of the things I hope my doctor will never say to me in that situation.

"Just put this rose in your mouth, and I'll be back in a minute"
"Why don't you put this sphigmomenometer on and show me how you dance"
"I'll check yours if you check mine"
"It looks a little chapped, have you been masterbating a lot lately"
"If you'd prefer, I could use some cream."
"Oh I'm not the doctor, I just replace the tongue depressors!"

B-Line

Today's B-Line reads,

Admissions is Hiring Tour Guides
Undergraduate Admissions is now hiring tour guides for fall 2009. If you're friendly and love Binghamton University, this is the job for you.

I guess it just made me think about how funny it would be to have a tour guide that was mean and absolutely hated Binghamton. I would assume it would sound something like this:

Angry Tour Guide: "This whole damn school is just a bunch of Jews and Asians that do better than you in all of your classes. It's always freezing, and it either rains or snows almost every day. Not to mention there's a giant black cloud that rests permanently atop of our campus. Now tell me something. Do you really wanna go here?"

Person on Tour: Why do you still go here?

Angry Tour Guide: Because its cheap and my parents are paying for it you dumb fuck! Any other stupid questions?

(No Response)

Angry Tour Guide: Ok lets move along.

What a day

I spent 10 1/2 straight hours on campus today in class or doing work with absolutely no breaks. While back in my apartment I still have more work to do. I didn't even have the time to make any pointless observations. So I guess all I have to say is that there is nothing funny about this at all.

Most Memorable Grammy Moment

So I watched a good portion of the Grammy's last night and I found one part of the show extremely disturbing. That moment would have to be MIA's performance. The woman must have been at least 14 months pregnant, because she was massive. But for some apparent reason she felt it to be an absolute necessity to get on stage to sing the only line, out of her amazingly overplayed song Paper Planes, that the producers of the show allowed her to sing. Then her only line needed to be repeated 4 million times in the background while the entire list of white people's preferred rappers to sing along to- Jay-z, Kanye West, T.I, and Lil Wayne - rapped along side her. As I watched this completely useless sight, all I kept wondering was, "So which one of these self proclaimed hustlas got her pregnant?"

Blackberries cont....

That's right. In my opinion, Gossip Girl is the douchebag show of choice for annoying blackberry users.

Blackberries

People with Blackberries need to stop pretending like they are so fuckin' important and turn that shit off already. Nobody needs to know every god damn detail of your typical fuckin' day at all times. And how stupid do you need to be to think that people don't notice when you use it during class. Just because you turned the sound off, doesn't mean we don't hear every obnoxious click you make when you type, "OMG, OMG, I'm sooooo bored right now. I wish I was watching Gossip Girl!!!"

Shocking!

Keeping with the infomercial theme, I decided to let you all in on the most shocking one that I've ever seen. If you've never seen or heard about this its definitely worth a read. This must be joke, but its really not.

Personal Massagers
Relax With Pleasure And Ease

3 Sizes To Choose From!

For a relaxing massage any time, anywhere you will love our multi-speed and single speed Personal Massagers. Soothing vibrations penetrate deep to relax and relieve sore, aching muscles. Use to explore and indulge your pleasure points.

• The 7" or 9" feature an easy-twist control delivering a slow and gentle massage to a fast and powerful massage. Use 2 C Batteries in each (not included).
• The 12" provides a single speed pleasure pleasing massage.
  Uses 3 C Batteries (not included).

FREE 4" massager. Very discreet
yet very effective!

Includes

• One 7", 9" or 12" Personal Massager
  (Be Sure To Select Size Above)
• BONUS: 4" Personal Massager

Due to the personal nature of this product we cannot accept returns.

Washed Up Celebrities

Our semi-conversation in class today about infomercials really got me thinking. What ever happens to washed up infomercial stars like Ron Popeil/The "Set it and forget it" genious. The man got us to watch that 30 minute segment 12 times a day like it was the best show on TV. And all that talk about baby back ribs and flavor injectors was the most appealing thing I've ever seen. And what about Chef Tony/The "Miracle Blade" guy. I use my miracle blade every time I need a slice of steel toe to add to my cheese sandwich, and especially whenever I feel the need to cut some new airholes into my bedroom wall. And I always keep tomatos on hand to prove that the miracle blade never gets dull. If they can't come up with any new shit soon, then my best bet is that the celebrity sex tape industry is about to get two new stars.

A Straight Man's Greatest Fear

After careful thought I've come to the conclusion on what every straight man's greatest fear is.

Greatest Fear

(Drum Roll)

Getting a boner while your male doctor checks you for a hernia.

And if that's ever happened to you then you might as well leave the office, get into your pink volkswagon beetle, pop in your favorite spice girls cd , and go buy yourself a dress....because you're gay.

Sham Wow!

You know who really pisses me off, the Sham Wow guy, cuz he's a god damn liar. I don't need a sham wow for any purpose what so ever. He's right about one thing though. I do say "wow" every time I see that commercial. Except its not like, "Wow I really need to get me one of them sham wow things." It's more like "Wow, I really need to break that guy's legs in six different places." Or, I can stab him in the chest a few times and then we can see whether the Sham Wow also takes out blood stains. Either way.

Conspiracy Theory

I don't know if you all know, but the number one most watched video on youtube is actually Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend, which I happen to think is an extremely poor choice of songs even on Avril Lavigne standards.
What the hell is going on these days? It just doesn't make any sense. It gets another million views every week. They don't even play this shit on the radio anymore, cuz it wasn't even a popular song. There's gotta be some kind of twelve year old girl militia out there putting guns to people's heads if they don't watch this thing, cuz I can't seem to come up with anything else. I'll tell you this though, I already have my suitcases packed and when those crazy bitches come into my town, I'm buying the cheapest student discounted bus fare I can afford and hopping on the first bus outta here.
If you're brave enough to stare this evil in the eye directly than here's the video for you. I think once we all understand what we're up against we can pool all of our ideas together and attack this this head on.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ25-glGRzI

I would put some sunglasses on cuz watching this thing is like staring directly at the sun.

So Gullible

I actually convinced my friend to read my blog by telling him I mentioned him in it. He read the title "Chatty Cashiers" and asked me if it was a true story and I said "yes." Knowing he wasn't really part of this true story he continued to read it until the very end. When he was done he turns toward me and says, "You're such a liar, I'm not in it!!

Chatty Cashiers

So I was getting my start of the semester shopping done at Wegman's, and I decided that no condiment kicks off the semester quite like a huge 46 ounce bottle of ketchup. So while standing there at the cash register, minding my own business and waiting to pay for my stuff, the cashier, who was probably in his mid to low 20's, decides hes gonna strike up a 4 and a half minute conversation about my gigantic ketchup bottle.

As if it wasn't bad enough that 3/4 of my diet throughout college has consisted of foods that I eat with ketchup, now i gotta listen to this guy crack bad jokes about my beloved bottle of tomato and chemicals which, despite its humongo size, fits ever so snuggly on my cheaply made refrigerator door. "Thats quite a bottle of ketchup you got there!" he tells me.

After his not so clever quip, he decides hes gonna move onto hot sauce, another one of my favorite condiments. He recounted his glorious days when he made 250 bucks by betting his friends that he could chug an entire bottle.

His proud moment of glory reminded me of a momentous occasion of my own. In sophomore year my friends and I bet a kid 5 whole dollars that he couldn't chug a bottle of hot sauce. But he went ahead and chugged that shit like it was a freshly popped bottle of crystaal. Five glorious minutes later he puked a mixture of hot sauce, cheap liqour, and keystone light, right into the very garbage can we so smoothly set aside in the hopes that it would come to this.

I'm guessing the cashier chose to leave out that part of his story.

Pigeons aren't as shy as you might have thought

"Brooklyn, NY" - The place where I and about 5 trillion of my closest pigeon friends call home.

"Friends" -people who aren't shy about gettin their "2 oclock in the afternoon freak on" by the Q train.

Thats right - I saw 2 pigeons getting it on outside the Q train. The most squeemish of eyes wouldv'e turned away, but instead I caught one obese pigeon (yep. america's pigeons have followed suit) place his legs on an even more obese pigeon's wings and quickly begin to thrust at her from behind. The whole thing lasted 3 seconds and then they just went their separate ways.

Poor guy must have a serious case premature ejaculation.