A guy's best friend is someone who he has probably known since grade school. Someone who has been there for him. Helped him out through tough times. Laughed with him when no no one else thought he was funny, and pulled a lot of stupid shit together.
Now I'm gonna shed some knowledge on you.
What I learned recently is that a girl's best friend is simply just a measure of proximity. If you are friends with girl and you happen to be the closest person to her, you are her best friend at the moment.
So if you happen to be a guy in that situation, you need to capitalize on that opportunity because as soon as she moves into the next room, your chances are shot.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Student Association
I joined a certain SA government group to build my resume and I can honestly say that it blows. My entire group, aside from one other person looking to build his resume, takes the shit way too seriously. Nobody gives a damn about SA bylaws, and all the other shit they argue about for the sake of arguing. These are the people that make Binghamton students apathetic about student government.
So me and my new best friend developed our new routine. We go to our regularly scheduled meetings. We laugh amongst ourselves as other people talk, and on the way back home we laugh out loud. Its glorious!
So me and my new best friend developed our new routine. We go to our regularly scheduled meetings. We laugh amongst ourselves as other people talk, and on the way back home we laugh out loud. Its glorious!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Bus
The greyhound and shortline buses are truly the lowest form of transportation. I took a greyhound bus home this weekend and the whole thing was just one big Tyler Perry movie.
It starts with the greyhound worker who obviously has no more than 6 teeth.
It then moves on to the 3 old ladies trying to find their way to a place that they don't know by asking the 6 toothed cashier whether each bus that rolled in to the stop is their bus.
The last people to get on the bus are obviously a large black woman with 4 kids. From the moment the bus left the stop until it made its predetermined stop 20 minutes later at the burger king, everyone on the bus had to hear her scream things like, "Get your filthy hands off my chicken." , "I'll get you ya own damn nuggets when we get to Burger King." , "God damn kids."
When we arrive at the Burger King, the black bus driver actually pulled her over to the side and says, "Sista, you need to shut your damn mouth, this is a bus not a movie theater." Once we started rolling again, I thankfully managed to pass out. I guess I'll never know what crazy shenanigans happened from then on.
It starts with the greyhound worker who obviously has no more than 6 teeth.
It then moves on to the 3 old ladies trying to find their way to a place that they don't know by asking the 6 toothed cashier whether each bus that rolled in to the stop is their bus.
The last people to get on the bus are obviously a large black woman with 4 kids. From the moment the bus left the stop until it made its predetermined stop 20 minutes later at the burger king, everyone on the bus had to hear her scream things like, "Get your filthy hands off my chicken." , "I'll get you ya own damn nuggets when we get to Burger King." , "God damn kids."
When we arrive at the Burger King, the black bus driver actually pulled her over to the side and says, "Sista, you need to shut your damn mouth, this is a bus not a movie theater." Once we started rolling again, I thankfully managed to pass out. I guess I'll never know what crazy shenanigans happened from then on.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Taxes
I just filed my tax return papers and I feel violated. It seriously feels like the government stuck their hands in my pocket, fondled my balls a little bit, and then stole a whole bunch of money from me while I wasn't paying attention.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Landlords
I hate my landlord with a passion. She is this 70 year old woman who looks harmless but she's on a massive power trip and has a heart of stone. Every time we go to her to tell her something is wrong with the apartment (i.e. 3 times a week) she just blows us off by telling us that we are doing things in our apartment that violate our contract.
We had this popping noise emanating from beneath our carpet. She decided she would let it stay there for an extra 8 weeks because we have an extra mini fridge in our apartment. The logic is just sound.
The other day I caught myself in an embarrasing moment when I said that "I want to do terrible things to that woman!" I immediately realized that what I said could mean exactly what I wanted it to mean as well as the exact opposite. Of course, everyone around me chose to believe that I want to bang our landlord.
We had this popping noise emanating from beneath our carpet. She decided she would let it stay there for an extra 8 weeks because we have an extra mini fridge in our apartment. The logic is just sound.
The other day I caught myself in an embarrasing moment when I said that "I want to do terrible things to that woman!" I immediately realized that what I said could mean exactly what I wanted it to mean as well as the exact opposite. Of course, everyone around me chose to believe that I want to bang our landlord.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Shower Mishap
A nicely sized bottle of shampoo fell on my pinky toe while I was taking a shower, causing me to scream like a little bitch and bleed a little. This undoubtedly led to every last one of my friends calling me a little bitch as I exited the shower.
What I learned from this incident is that no matter how much blood I would have lost in that situation, my friends would not think twice about the opportunity to hold this one against me.
Now I completely agree with them. If I was in their situation I would obviously do the same thing. However, my pinky toe still hurts like a bitch!
What I learned from this incident is that no matter how much blood I would have lost in that situation, my friends would not think twice about the opportunity to hold this one against me.
Now I completely agree with them. If I was in their situation I would obviously do the same thing. However, my pinky toe still hurts like a bitch!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Gault Toyota and Chevrolet
I think I'm gonna report Connie Gault to PETA for abusing her dog. Rocky Gault has been used as a spokesperson against his will, and he receives less than fair wages. Dogs should not be forced to endorse cars that are illegal for them to drive. Thats just cruel.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Chris Brown and Rihanna
The whole story of Chris Brown putting the smackdown on Rihanna is something I find extremely hilarious. Now, the reason for it was supposedly because she gave him herpes. And I'm pretty sure that when they say herpes they don't mean a couple of cold sores. But anyway the following is the funniest blog post I have ever seen with regards to the story.
"yo bits, dis sit is wakky patakky, nadama sayin? dat bits proly diserrd it, shebe stoopy poopy, giben my mane kris broun a esteedee an sit...watev bits, ida bete her 2 a mozafukn pullpp! KRIS BREZEY FO PREZADINT, U DHIG!?"
Transliterated back into real english this turns into (quoted words could not be translated):
Yo bitch, this shit is "wacky patakky," know what I'm saying? That bitch probably deserved it, she be "stoopy poopy," giving my man Chris Brown an STD and shit... whatever bitch, I would have beat her to a mother fucking pulp! CHRIS BREEZY FOR PRESIDENT, DO YOU DIG!?
I couldn't have said it better myself!
"yo bits, dis sit is wakky patakky, nadama sayin? dat bits proly diserrd it, shebe stoopy poopy, giben my mane kris broun a esteedee an sit...watev bits, ida bete her 2 a mozafukn pullpp! KRIS BREZEY FO PREZADINT, U DHIG!?"
Transliterated back into real english this turns into (quoted words could not be translated):
Yo bitch, this shit is "wacky patakky," know what I'm saying? That bitch probably deserved it, she be "stoopy poopy," giving my man Chris Brown an STD and shit... whatever bitch, I would have beat her to a mother fucking pulp! CHRIS BREEZY FOR PRESIDENT, DO YOU DIG!?
I couldn't have said it better myself!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Yearly Physical Exam
There's no weirder feeling for a guy than waiting for the doctor with your pants off. The following are some of the things I hope my doctor will never say to me in that situation.
"Just put this rose in your mouth, and I'll be back in a minute"
"Why don't you put this sphigmomenometer on and show me how you dance"
"I'll check yours if you check mine"
"It looks a little chapped, have you been masterbating a lot lately"
"If you'd prefer, I could use some cream."
"Oh I'm not the doctor, I just replace the tongue depressors!"
"Just put this rose in your mouth, and I'll be back in a minute"
"Why don't you put this sphigmomenometer on and show me how you dance"
"I'll check yours if you check mine"
"It looks a little chapped, have you been masterbating a lot lately"
"If you'd prefer, I could use some cream."
"Oh I'm not the doctor, I just replace the tongue depressors!"
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
B-Line
Today's B-Line reads,
Admissions is Hiring Tour Guides
Undergraduate Admissions is now hiring tour guides for fall 2009. If you're friendly and love Binghamton University, this is the job for you.
I guess it just made me think about how funny it would be to have a tour guide that was mean and absolutely hated Binghamton. I would assume it would sound something like this:
Angry Tour Guide: "This whole damn school is just a bunch of Jews and Asians that do better than you in all of your classes. It's always freezing, and it either rains or snows almost every day. Not to mention there's a giant black cloud that rests permanently atop of our campus. Now tell me something. Do you really wanna go here?"
Person on Tour: Why do you still go here?
Angry Tour Guide: Because its cheap and my parents are paying for it you dumb fuck! Any other stupid questions?
(No Response)
Angry Tour Guide: Ok lets move along.
Admissions is Hiring Tour Guides
Undergraduate Admissions is now hiring tour guides for fall 2009. If you're friendly and love Binghamton University, this is the job for you.
I guess it just made me think about how funny it would be to have a tour guide that was mean and absolutely hated Binghamton. I would assume it would sound something like this:
Angry Tour Guide: "This whole damn school is just a bunch of Jews and Asians that do better than you in all of your classes. It's always freezing, and it either rains or snows almost every day. Not to mention there's a giant black cloud that rests permanently atop of our campus. Now tell me something. Do you really wanna go here?"
Person on Tour: Why do you still go here?
Angry Tour Guide: Because its cheap and my parents are paying for it you dumb fuck! Any other stupid questions?
(No Response)
Angry Tour Guide: Ok lets move along.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
What a day
I spent 10 1/2 straight hours on campus today in class or doing work with absolutely no breaks. While back in my apartment I still have more work to do. I didn't even have the time to make any pointless observations. So I guess all I have to say is that there is nothing funny about this at all.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Most Memorable Grammy Moment
So I watched a good portion of the Grammy's last night and I found one part of the show extremely disturbing. That moment would have to be MIA's performance. The woman must have been at least 14 months pregnant, because she was massive. But for some apparent reason she felt it to be an absolute necessity to get on stage to sing the only line, out of her amazingly overplayed song Paper Planes, that the producers of the show allowed her to sing. Then her only line needed to be repeated 4 million times in the background while the entire list of white people's preferred rappers to sing along to- Jay-z, Kanye West, T.I, and Lil Wayne - rapped along side her. As I watched this completely useless sight, all I kept wondering was, "So which one of these self proclaimed hustlas got her pregnant?"
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Blackberries cont....
That's right. In my opinion, Gossip Girl is the douchebag show of choice for annoying blackberry users.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Blackberries
People with Blackberries need to stop pretending like they are so fuckin' important and turn that shit off already. Nobody needs to know every god damn detail of your typical fuckin' day at all times. And how stupid do you need to be to think that people don't notice when you use it during class. Just because you turned the sound off, doesn't mean we don't hear every obnoxious click you make when you type, "OMG, OMG, I'm sooooo bored right now. I wish I was watching Gossip Girl!!!"
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Shocking!
Keeping with the infomercial theme, I decided to let you all in on the most shocking one that I've ever seen. If you've never seen or heard about this its definitely worth a read. This must be joke, but its really not.
Personal Massagers
Relax With Pleasure And Ease
Personal Massagers
Relax With Pleasure And Ease
3 Sizes To Choose From!
For a relaxing massage any time, anywhere you will love our multi-speed and single speed Personal Massagers. Soothing vibrations penetrate deep to relax and relieve sore, aching muscles. Use to explore and indulge your pleasure points.
- The 7" or 9" feature an easy-twist control delivering a slow and gentle massage to a fast and powerful massage. Use 2 C Batteries in each (not included).
- The 12" provides a single speed pleasure pleasing massage.
Uses 3 C Batteries (not included).
FREE 4" massager. Very discreet
yet very effective!
- One 7", 9" or 12" Personal Massager
(Be Sure To Select Size Above) - BONUS: 4" Personal Massager
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Washed Up Celebrities
Our semi-conversation in class today about infomercials really got me thinking. What ever happens to washed up infomercial stars like Ron Popeil/The "Set it and forget it" genious. The man got us to watch that 30 minute segment 12 times a day like it was the best show on TV. And all that talk about baby back ribs and flavor injectors was the most appealing thing I've ever seen. And what about Chef Tony/The "Miracle Blade" guy. I use my miracle blade every time I need a slice of steel toe to add to my cheese sandwich, and especially whenever I feel the need to cut some new airholes into my bedroom wall. And I always keep tomatos on hand to prove that the miracle blade never gets dull. If they can't come up with any new shit soon, then my best bet is that the celebrity sex tape industry is about to get two new stars.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A Straight Man's Greatest Fear
After careful thought I've come to the conclusion on what every straight man's greatest fear is.
Greatest Fear
(Drum Roll)
Getting a boner while your male doctor checks you for a hernia.
And if that's ever happened to you then you might as well leave the office, get into your pink volkswagon beetle, pop in your favorite spice girls cd , and go buy yourself a dress....because you're gay.
Greatest Fear
(Drum Roll)
Getting a boner while your male doctor checks you for a hernia.
And if that's ever happened to you then you might as well leave the office, get into your pink volkswagon beetle, pop in your favorite spice girls cd , and go buy yourself a dress....because you're gay.
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